How to write a ridiculously sexy note (or text) to your sweetheart.

It was early December and I was lounging on the island of Maui with a couple of my all-time favorite clients. A writing and business retreat to wrap up the year. (Yeah. Life is rough.)

Sure, we got plenty of work done. But in between scribbling sessions, we spent most of our time swapping delicious stories (about ourselves, not other people), texting tasteful-yet-utterly-saucy photos to our sweethearts back at home and talking about sexxx.

(Put five highly-imaginative women together in a jacuzzi, and hey, it’s bound to happen…)

I left the island feeling inspired to write a LOT more about sex, attraction, intimacy and relationships.

And why not? It’s one of my favorite topics, and yet, it’s one that I’ve been hesitant to write about in public. But no longer!

As Beyoncé would say, I’m a grrrrrrown woman.

Behold: a few tips (tee hee!) on how to write a ridiculously sexy (but totally classy) note to your sweetheart.

This post? Probably not suitable for the workplace. Unless you work from home. In your PJs. Or lingerie.

Tip No. 1. Write the way you naturally speak.

If you would never-ever-ever in a BILLION years refer to her breasts as “voluptuous, heaving love balloons” (or refer to his stomach as “the chiseled torso of a modern-day Adonis”) when you’re face to face, then DON’T use that kind of language in your writing.

It won’t sound realistic. Because it won’t sound like YOU.

Tip No. 2. Add a touch of drama.

Which sounds hotter?

This: “I want you to _____________ very nicely, please and thank you.”

Or this: “I want you to _____________ like you need it to LIVE.”

Again: easy does it. We don’t want to lose your natural voice, or have you sound like somebody else.

A little dramatic flair goes a long way …

Tip No. 3. Build some textual tension.

Unexpected text messages and emails and voice mails, sprinkled throughout the day, building to a verbal crescendo? Yes, please.

Try something like: “Had to sneak away on my lunch break and _____________ furiously until I _____________, thinking about you. You’ve destroyed me. But don’t stop.”

And then later: “I literally can’t concentrate on anything, with these flashbacks from last night in my head. The way you _____________ is completely unreal. Tell me what you’re wearing and doing right this moment. And be specific.”

And then finally: “I’ll be at your door in twenty minutes. And I want what’s mine.”

Whooooa, nelly! Yep. That’ll work.

Fill in the blanks. Send. Enjoy.

“I want you to _____________ and don’t you dare even think about _____________.”

“Just sitting here, thinking about your _____________ and wishing I was _____________.”

“I keep flashbacking to last night. The way you _____________ and _____________ and _____________. And that one time we _____________-ed? Oh. My. God.”

“I can’t wait for you to _____________ so I can _____________ you right back. You’re my everything.”

“What I wouldn’t give to see you _____________ right underneath the _____________ while I stand back and _____________. What time do you get off work, again?”

“You’re lucky I have so much self-control — because if not, I’d be driving over to your _____________ to interrupt you at _____________ and _____________-ing you like a beast, right now.”

“When I get home tonight, don’t even bother _____________-ing. I want you right over by the _____________, waiting for me …”

What’s the most spine-tinglingly-amazing text, email or smoking hot love letter you’ve ever received?