Good Question: I am hopelessly in love with someone who is not available. Now what?

Dear Alex,

I am hopelessly and deeply in love with my colleague. He is the most kind, gorgeous and fantastic human being. We have fun together and click in every way possible.

BUT… he is in a long-term relationship and he just became a dad.

I suspect he is not super happy in his relationship, but he never talks badly about her and he isn’t a flirt (although in passing, he has said some innocent things about me being clever, beautiful and fun).

I really don’t want to start any drama, and I really don’t want to be a home wrecker.

I also really don’t want to quit my job as it is an amazing opportunity for me. But I suspect I might explode soon. What do I do?!

–[Please Withhold My Name]

Oh, sweetheart.

I remember a time in my life when I became obsessed with a colleague at work, just like you.

She was beautiful. She was witty. She was smart as a whip. She looked amazing in jeans, and in a satin dress.

She was also… not gay, bi-sexual or even remotely interested in dating women.

She was also… already dating somebody else.

In other words: she was NOT available for me to love, in the way that I wanted.

It was crushing. It was so! un! fair! Despite everything, I still fantasized about her and what “our life” together might be like.

I marveled at our “undeniable chemistry”. I blushed whenever she gave me a compliment. I read into the “deeper meaning” when she invited me over to her home for a group potluck. I analyzed every line of every email she sent me. (“The meeting has been extended from thirty minutes to forty-five, you say…? That means she wants to spend more time with me! I knew it!”)

I made up a lot of dramatic, exciting stories about “us”. Stories that may or may not have been true (most likely, not). All the while, I was distracting myself from seeking a relationship with someone who could actually love me, treasure me, and build a life with me.

Finally, I realized that my colleague was never going to “leave these wretched cubicles behind and run away with me”.

I re-opened my heart, saying to the universe:

“Now, I am ready. Bring me love. The kind that flows from both sides.”

Many years later… I found it.

Let me tell you, true love — the kind that flows from both sides, with no impediments — is infinitely sweeter than crushing on someone who is not available.

If you peel your attention away from this unavailable guy-who-just-became-a-dad… and re-open your heart to the world… leaning into the possibility of “this, or something better”… you will have a much better chance at finding that kind of love.

“To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.”
–David Viscott

As Viscott reminds us, the answer is simple:

Love. Be loved. Feel the sun from both sides.

Anything less… is a waste of your time.

Read this if you’re ever feeling unwanted & rejected. There’s always something better… waiting.