Email subject lines that I would love to see in my inbox.

SUBJECT: This is the shortest email you will ever read.

SUBJECT: Except for this one. Which is shorter.

SUBJECT: You are pretty and smart. No response required.

SUBJECT: Hey Alex! It’s me, Mister Rogers! Just kidding! I’ve been alive this whole time!

SUBJECT: Hey Alex! It’s me, Oscar Wilde! Me, too!

SUBJECT: Hey Alex! It’s me, God! You were right. I’m totally real.

SUBJECT: Greetings from RuPaul! Brunch? This Sunday? You, me, Fred and Oscar?

SUBJECT: Hey Alex! I had a question for you, but then I Googled it instead. No response required.

SUBJECT: Hey Alex! I had another question for you, but then I trusted my own intuition instead. No response required.

SUBJECT: Hey Alex! My intuition was totally right. As usual. No response required.

SUBJECT: Dear sir / madame. Your penis is exactly the right size. Carry on!

SUBJECT: I would like to unsubscribe from your mailing list but I’m going to be super nice about it and totally not yell at you in ALL CA

SUBJECT: I am a robot and I did all your laundry. You may rest now. No response required.

SUBJECT: Open me for baby otters and also pandas.

SUBJECT: Alex, this is Bill Clinton. I’ve been thinking about that letter you wrote to me when you were 10. About the sharks. You were totally right. They are intelligent creatures and they deserve cleaner oceans and far more respect. XO BC.

SUBJECT: INSTANT ORGASM FOREVER!!! Details = inside. (30% off. Black Friday Sale.)

SUBJECT: This email literally has five words.

SUBJECT: This email literally has three words.

SUBJECT: This email is literally just a photo of a baby duckling.

SUBJECT: Alex: This is your official reminder to take a break from answering emails & go write a book or something. Love, The Universe.